i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
