Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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