I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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