i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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