I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize