i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
