turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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