im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
