hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
