I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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