You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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