he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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