I think i peed on brittanys purse
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
