my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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