i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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