The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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