Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
