how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize