This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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