He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
