"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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