My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
