Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
