I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize