I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
