If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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