I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
