Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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