then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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