I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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