I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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