youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think i got beer on your cat.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
