Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
