I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
