You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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