and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
