whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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