He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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