I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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