I met the friendliest cop last night
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
