thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Holy sore nipples Batman
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
