its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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