i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
