someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
