i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
