I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
