yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
