Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
