apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
