apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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