I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
