I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
