I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
