He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
