He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
