Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
